George Carlin Quotes

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

Think off-center.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.